Apologies for the cross-post

There are those who will will whimper and moan and complain that this tired old Mistress is at it again, complaining about the behaviors of others and making judgements and being all strict and inflexible and…

And there will be those who read this and think long and hard about the repercussions of their own actions or inactions, involvement or apathy, in situations which would appear to be far removed from the one discussed in this article, but are only removed by varying degrees. 

I apologize in advance to Mr. Millar for not taking the time to gain his permission for reprinting a portion of his article.  It was poor form on my part, but the message was too important not to relay. 

“A Few Declarations Of Ethics:”

“Though this doesn’t present a close question at all, inevitably people look for clarity. What is it that happened here that was unethical, as we see it? If I get into specifics, there’s almost too much to list, so I’ll keep it general:

“(1) It is unethical to ever have an irrevocable Master/slave relationship. Here in the United States, we wrote it right into the Constitution in the aftermath of the Civil War that slavery does not exist. All dominant/submissive relationships, no matter how strict the rules, no matter what kind of written agreement there is, no matter how extreme the sensation play, are subject to the submissive partner deciding the relationship is over. We killed 660,000 Americans for that, and it’s not negotiable.

“(2) It is unethical to leverage an existing vulnerability or power imbalance to push someone into any kind of dominant/submissive relationship. Nobody should be pushed into a D/s dynamic at all; it has to be freely and consciously chosen to be consensual. This girl, when she fell into his clutches, was a sixteen year old runaway from a series of foster homes, which means she was extremely vulnerable and had no place else to go. Right there, any sexual involvement is just wrong. Then, he became her source for drugs. By the time she signed the contract that he said bound her for life, she was an eighteen year old with no other options, possibly a substance dependency, in an abusive relationship with a terrifying person. She wasn’t in a position to say no to anything he wanted.

“(3) It is unethical to do things beyond one’s capabilities as a top.* And this is one of the places where, even if we didn’t know any of the other stuff, we could tell the difference between abuse and BDSM. BDSMers don’t want to damage their partners. Hurt, sure, sometimes a lot. But we don’t want to do things with each other that result in unintentional injuries. We like each other, we like what we do, and we want to have good experiences, so we control risks as much as we can and still have the experiences we want to have. Like mountain climbers. Not like abusers, who ignore risk and cause injury on purpose.

“I said the physical specifics didn’t make me blanch, and I meant it. I won’t gratuitously repeat the detailed descriptions, because they’ll be offputting to some readers. Some of those things I’ve done and some I have not, but I know sane people who have willingly done a whole lot of things in that indictment. The thing is, they’re highly specialized skills. Among people who know what they’re doing, a lot of this stuff is considered appropriate only for people who really know what they’re doing. Responsible BDSMers don’t just hang someone from the ceiling; they learn suspension bondage. Responsible BDSMers don’t just hook electrodes up to people; they learn electrical play. It’s easier to do that in communities where there are classes or more experienced folks to teach; but more isolated people can access books and online materials and do their own research. If they care about their bottoms, they do. Being a top is a lot of responsibility, but it’s worth the work to have the big, moving, out-there experiences and walk away from them with no more boo-boos than intended.

“People who don’t do the homework don’t care. The indictment contains some things which just flat should never be done in a scene and constitute medical care. It also contains things that are heavy medical play. With an amazing top with a background in medical scenes and piercings, with autoclave-sterilized equipment, in a clean environment, those things are some people’s idea of an amazing scene. But it’s not something you see on the web and say, “hey, go get the Neosporin, I want to try something.” No ethical top plunges cavalierly into things that carry a high risk of injury, and it really announces that he didn’t care if he did permanent damage.

“Breath control and certain kinds of electrical play, done wrong (and depending on who you think it right on the medical stuff, maybe even if done right) can cause cardiac arrest. That’s what happened here. Some combination of electric shock and suffocation stopped her heart and the hospital saved her. I’m guessing he didn’t really care about her, but thought his chances of getting out of it with a live kinky woman accusing him of abuse were better than his chances of hiding the body and pretending he didn’t know where she was. We’ll find out if he was right.

“(4) It is unethical to do things with newbies that they don’t understand and can’t make decisions about. If they don’t know anything yet, they don’t understand the risks and cannot give meaningful consent, which is at the heart of RACK and SSC. (I don’t need to get into the difference between the terminology, as the culture of which term people use varies somewhat from the literal meaning, and a lot of it has to do with who gets to be the safety police.) Getting someone to do things that they don’t understand is neither risk-aware, nor safe, nor sane, and generally isn’t consensual. If someone is just too ignorant to fully grapple with the risks they take, that’s negligence, and that’s full of fail. But the allegations don’t paint a picture of someone who didn’t understand the risks. They paint a picture of someone who didn’t care. That’s an abuser.

“This is especially true of introducing a teen to BDSM through a 24/7 relationship. I’m not a big fan of 24/7 anyway. Lots of BDSMers have no interest in ever doing dominant-submissive roles. Folks who do D/s have clear boundaries, often time limits on the scenes. Many who have pervasive D/s dynamics in a relationship live apart, which inserts a certain amount of breathing room. A few folks really have those power dynamics in effect basically all the time, but that’s a very hard thing to do and make work, and people generally only try that when they already know a lot about D/s and how they react to it emotionally and undertake it with the understanding that it’s a very, very advanced. Leaving all the other things aside, taking someone with no BDSM experience and saying, “24/7 slavery, that’s what BDSM is” … that’s delusional, evil, or both.

“Responsible BDSMers, when playing with newbies, are extra-careful about the basics, like negotiations and safewords – not only because newbies don’t know how they’ll react to things, but because they don’t know how to do things like negotiate yet and they need to learn. Someone teaching a new submissive needs to teach zir how to set zir boundaries, how to communicate with a prospective top about desires and expectations. Not doing this means virtually guaranteeing that something will go wrong, if not in the next scene then at some point in the future.”

Do take the time to read and digest the comments attached to Mr. Millar’s piece. 

This is how we learn.  This is how we become more informed and responsible, not just inside the confines of an old steel shed with a winch and cable, or a deceptively plush master bedroom suite with silken cords and used needles scattered on the nightstand, but out at events and small house parties, munches and meetings, sloshes and arranged meetings.

Ms Lila

Food Punishment

I like to make it a practice to search BDSM on the Google News page at least once a week to see what the insane, the inexperienced, the anti-social and the just plain stupid have done to damage the BDSM, Leather and other Lifestyle communities recently.  Sometimes I find horror stories, and sometimes I actually find Helpful Household Hints.  Today just happens to be one of those days.

Although these are not something I personally practice, a great many Dominants do:  punishments and dietary/food domination. 

Dominants sometimes dole out punishments and they do so for a variety of reasons.  Some do it to correct poor performance or bad behavior.  Others do it to reinforce the household or interpersonal dynamic.  Still others do it because it feeds the headspace of both partners to the dynamic.

Dietary/food domination also achieves the same goals but does so by making certain foods into highly prized and much sought after rewards.  It takes a bland, unapetizing yet nutritious diet and makes it the daily norm, while making “people food” a treasure that comes solely from the font of Dominant kindness.

Good idea for some.  But what to use?  No one makes Subbie Kibble, Slave Chow, Riskies or Oww Mix, so one must be imaginative or be a Mistress of Google to find an appropriately nutritious yet vitally unappealing diet.

Look no further, gentle folk.

In the Savage Love column over at A.V. Club, there is a reference in the September 15th piece to a lovely item called Nutraloaf.  To quote the original poster on Nutraloaf,

“Served in some prisons as punishment for inmates’ bad behavior (namely, throwing, spitting, or wasting their regular, non-loafed foodstuffs), Nutriloaf is essentially a day’s worth of meals ground into a wet, bland brick. There have been a handful of lawsuits protesting the use of “meal loaf” in correctional facilities; however, most courts have found that, as long as the loaf in question meets certain daily nutritional requirements, it does not constitute cruel and unusual punishment. Therefore, we had no legal recourse when faced with this reader suggestion. The only question is, who among us would be willing to inflict such a thing upon his or her esteemed co-workers?”

Sounds appealing already, doesn’t it?  And so flexible as well.  Again I quote the original article.

• 2 oz Cooked Ground Beef
• 4 oz Canned, Chopped Spinach
• 4 oz Canned Carrots, Diced
• 4 oz Vegetarian Beans
• 4 oz Applesauce
• 1 oz Tomato Paste
• 1/2 cup Potato Flakes
• 1 cup Bread Crumbs
• 2 oz Dry Milk Powder
• 1 tsp Garlic Powder or Flakes

“Preparation: mash the fuck outta everything and slap it into a loaf pan. Cook until non-toxic.”

Pretty straight-forward and to the point.  It appears to be very workable, not entirely paletable, but definitely more nutritious than a huge part of the world eats on a regular basis.  And I see huge areas for tailoring it to suit individual needs as well.

Own vegans or other non-carnivore types?  Substitute that textured soy protein product that you see in healthfood stores as a meat substitute, and delete the dry milk powder. 

Want to save beef for rewards, or beef has just too much flavor for your property?  Substitute ground chicken or turkey.

Want to give them some flavor but not make it all that good?  I can see where a little basic salt and pepper would go a long way.  You could also use breakfast sausage, italian sausage, or any other seasoned bulk sausage if you didn’t want his or her diet to be any worse than necessary.  Maybe use Chili Ready beans, or black-eyed peas with jalepenos instead of the vegetarian beans to add flavor.

The possibilties are pretty much endless with this.  You could even custom blend this to help your boy or girl acheive any diet or fitness goals if you knew what you were doing and used a bit of common sense.

Helpful Hint?  Perhaps.  I’m sure the hungry mouths in your household won’t think so.

And that’s a bad thing how?

jane’s statement

My girl, jane, was removed from the IMAS members group before she could post her final statement to the membership regarding the SSP decision announced to us tonight.

Because this needs to be made available, I am posting it for her now.

This is my fourth and unfortunately final post to this group.  Some of Y/you will be overjoyed with this information and some of Y/you will be saddened.

Tonight i found out that i was found not guilty of SSP etc etc.  Ummmm…..gee….since i was the victim of someone why was i found not guilty?  i was the one attacked yet the P/people investigated me?  What did i do except bring SSP charges against someone who attacked me?  This is only my fourth post….did it take Y/you this long to scrutinize my 3 posts in this group?  i don’t get it.  oh….and by the way….thanks for letting me know that i was under investigation and another thank you for interviewing A/all involved to come to Y/your conclusions….oh yeah that’s right…..YOU DIDN’T!  at NO TIME was i EVER contacted personally and told that i was being investigated.

Regardless….my faith in this group is gone.  my hopes of a new and better IMAs with the upcoming elections is gone too.  Even if i got to stay and vote….i would have no choice but to put the words “NO CONFIDENCE” by each of the Candidates running that i know were involved in this.

Y/you know….what i have understood about this lifestyle is that TRUST is a big factor.  Whether Y/you are playing with S/someone for the first time or that Y/you are in a committed relationship with a P/partner….Y/you must trust W/who Y/you play with.  This household TRUSTED IMAs to come to the correct decision for U/us…..it didn’t happen.  This household is now devastated.

A/anyone that cared about U/us through this and truly knows what is going on in this household….i thank Y/you.  As Mistress has told both mike and i….W/we will move on.

Utterly devastated in what damage this has done to Mistress and pleasure…

-Jane

pinned_butterfly@yahoo.com

ps….Mistress and my resignations were IMMEDIATELY accepted within 2 hours of Her post.  Funny.  i thought it would take at least 3 months for that decision to be acted upon.  Just saying……

Resignation

When the April notifications were sent to michael and I about our suspensions from IMAs, I stated that we would not be appealing the decision of the board.  In numerous telephone and IM conversations, this fact was also stated.  I made it clear that although a part of my heart wanted badly to appeal the board decision in order to force the light of a public inquiry into an obviously bungled and prejudiced process, first decision was to give IMAs what it wanted.

Our suspensions and removal were what IMAs wanted if you believe that the members of the board are elected to serve as a representative governing body which voices the wants and protects the needs of the membership above their own personal wants and personal protection.  It was what IMAs wanted if you believe in a board with high personal ethics, unwavering integrity, and a respect for each and every member.

But if IMAs the organization, IMAs the membership did not want such a decision, then the process used to convict and sentence us was flawed and those who acted to convict and sentence are not the ethical, respectful and honest representatives that the membership placed on the board by their votes.

The panel which was assembled and charged with further investigation of the charges, the evidence and the circumstances surrounding the charges against us and against other individuals is something I never requested of anyone with whom I spoke after the notification of suspension.  It was discussed but neither requested nor demanded of any person on the board.  That was fully the decision of the board.

During the time since the panel announcement coupled by the announcement that all prior decisions had been rescinded pending the panel investigation, the events prior to and after this decision have damaged every single person within this household, possibly permanently in physical, emotional, and interpersonal ways.  In spite of the decision and sentence having been rescinded, we were still no longer given the access to the group unmoderated access to the group.  Inquiries about the effect of a resignation on the process went unanswered.

It was our sincerest hope that the panel would be seated, not with the idea that we would be vindicated but that those involved in the precipitating situation would be forced to acknowledge their actions and to live with appropriate repercussions for these actions.  This I now know will not be the case.

It was also our hope that IMAs would learn from this situation the danger of placing too much trust in individuals who misuse and abuse their positions to further strengthen their own hold on the organization through abuse, slander, and intimidation, who use information given in trust as a weapon against individual members, and who pit member against member in an endless history of in-fighting and chaos for the benefit of distracting the membership from their own personal actions.

So be now notified that the following member are by this email giving notice of their resignation today, Monday, August 30, 2010:

Lila Meyer/Mistress Lila
Jane Widing/pinned_butterfly.

We are a household.  We live the way we live as a single entity, indivisible.  If one is no longer acceptable or welcome for his or her actions, than none of us is acceptable or welcome and will no longer be a party to IMAs.  This holds especially true when what was done was for the integrity and honor of IMAs.

Nothing is worth what this has done to michael, to jane, to this household, and by these things, to me.  Those who remain, those who chose to fight this on their own, should do this now not on our behalf but for the remaining membership, especially those somehow tainted by their association with or support of this household.

I will no longer fight the enemy outside of my house.  The battle within is much more important than the battle without.  The ever accumulating damage to michael’s body and psyche, the physical pain he endures that cannot be adequately managed under these conditions,  the sleepless and tormented nights and compromised health of jane and I, the fractures between us as individuals and as a family, the emotional pain this brings to us all are more than we are willing to pay for a potential future IMAs under different leadership.

I can no longer support IMAs, nor can I in good conscience encourage or direct community newcomers to consider IMAs until such time that IMAs can prove its desire to rid itself of the destructive elements within and exclusionary policies which enable them.  I cannot and will not support IMAs until its integrity and honor are restored and the dishonorable elements are removed.  I cannot and will not support IMAs until I am convinced that it is no longer a danger to its own membership, to my own household, and by these to the entire community.

And with this the burden is lifted from our combined shoulders and we will move on.

Mistress Lila
Jane Widing

Aftercare

Aftercare is one of those things that is given a bit of lip-service within the Lifestyle, but not a lot is really said about it on an educational or practical level.  It is also one of those things that, in spite of those of us who try to educate others about it, simply is not practiced enough or correctly when observed at public events or parties. 

I would go so far as to venture a guess that a great many of the submissives who may find this blog have rarely if ever actually experienced a well planned, effective, sensitive and rejuvinating aftercare.  I will all but guarantee that even fewer Dominants have received any manner of Aftercare at the end of a vigorous, physically or emotionally exhausting scene.

Let us begin by defining exactly what Aftercare is.  Knowing that is important to what it takes to make a scene and where aftercare fits into the scene.  Every scene should be comprised of four basic and essential parts.  These parts are Negotiation, Pre-care, Play, and Aftercare.  

In Negotiation, both parties discuss what is and what is not desired, accepted, expected or allowed from either party during the course of the rest of the scene.  Limits are disclosed by both parties, preferences are discussed, and a safeword protocol is agreed upon.  Sometimes the toybag will be examined, and unacceptable toys will be put asside. 

In Pre-care all of the physical, environmental, and psychological preparations are made for the scene.  The room is set up to suit the type of play that has been negotiated.  The temperature is set to enhance the scene and not be a distraction.  The music, if used, is put on and allowed to play.  Restraints are applied, and the submissive (or submissives) are placed into their position for the play portion of the scene.  If specific roles are to be assumed by the participants, that is begun now so that they are sufficiently ingrained before heavier play begins.

Throughout Play, the negotiated activities take place. 

During Aftercare, the all of the participants of the scene are given an opportunity to cool-down and reflect on the scene as it progressed and, indeed, as it continues to progress. 

Aftercare is that part of the scene where a conscientious Dominant drives away the demons that were summoned through the use of painful impliments, harsh tones, humiliation, accusations, overwhelming repeated sexual stimulation, isolation, fear, and simulated abandonment.  Aftercare is a time of reasurance, of physical, emotional, and spiritual sustenance, and of healing.  It is a combination of Mom’s Cookies™ and milk, randy debaucherie, and tender ministrations to a well worked and exhausted submissive and to his Dominant.

But what, exactly constitutes a good Aftercare?

Good Aftercare is a scene specific recovery plan that you develop for your submissive based on his physical and emotional needs after the stimulation portion of play.

Begin by removing the submissive from his bounds and guiding him or her to a warm, comfortable place, dimly lit if possible.  A couch, bench or bed is best, but a pallet on the floor or extra large pet bed will do for the more agile Dominant and submissive.  What you want is a place where the submissive can lay comfortably, and where you can maintain close contact with him.  If physical contact is not possible, then close verbal contact mixed with touch is good. 

Cover the submissive with a blanket or coverlet to keep the physical drop or “shock” from being too intense and triggering an adverse reaction.  Another means to that end is to provide your submissive with carbohydrate sources such as juice, pastry, cookies, and other easy to consume items.  This will counteract the body’s consumption of available glucose during the course of the scene and keep the submissive from going into a hypoglycemic state.

As he lays there, warm and cared for, softly speak to him and offer him praise for the way he endured your sadism.  Stroke his back, his shoulder, his arm as you speak.  Hold his hand in yours, both as a reward and as a means for you to monitor his body temperature, any shivering, swelling, and skin color.  Watch his breathing, his eyes, and listen to the way he speaks if he does speak. 

Now is not necessarily the time for analizing the scene, picking apart your technique, and reaping praise for your boundless skills.  That time will come later, when he is more cognant and responsive.  Remember, endorphins are a very power chemical which can induce very strong emotional and intellectual responses, not all of them positive.  He may have difficulty focusing, putting his thoughts into words, even making simple movements.  Just remain with him until his mind clears a bit, do regular wellness checks, and speak gently to slowly bring him back from his subspace without robbing him of it.

Eventually his body temperature and mental state will begin to be more predictable and manageable.  When this happens, you have an opportunity to perform a detailed inspection of his body.  It is more than an opportunity, it is an obligation to check and re-check him for cuts, skin abrasions, bruises and other visible signs of trauma which can lead to more serious problems if left untreated. 

Make sure that each wound is addressed appropriately:  clean them, treat them for infection prevention, and cover them with a dry, sterile dressing or bandage.  For you Forced Fem or age-play practitioners, use Barbie, Dora the Explorer, My Pretty Pony or other juvenile bandaids for a bit of playful fun if you and your submissive do not see it as being unnecessarily cruel or inappropriate at such a moment.   

By giving thoughtful and sensitive care during a session of Aftercare, you can enhance and reinforce your relationship with your submissive, and can also deepen your ties to those free-range submissives with whom you play at events or parties.

Am I the only One who sees this?

For the last few weeks now, I have taken a quiet place in the shadows and watched the insane little circus surrounding a fellow Lifestyle Dominant.  As difficult as it is for a Mistress, I have been determined to remain silent until I could get my thoughts on this very public “outing” sorted sufficiently.

Now it is time to say my piece.

Throughout this outing, I have watched a Dominant man, apparently denied a much-needed outlet for this Dominance by his vanilla spouse, who sought an outlet for sexual Domination through a variety of adventurous women.

I have watched a Dominant man whose particular fetish opened him up to a very negative and angry response from a large community which had not only claimed and embraced him (and his fame) as their own, but had used his nearly unrivaled supremacy in an endeavor previously unexploited by that community as a means of self-validation and inspiration.

I have watched a Dominant man being vilified by the media, condemned by community leaders, maligned by fellows within his field of endeavor, and outed again and again by an ever-increasing list of indiscrete, mercenary, predominantly kinkster partners more interested in their own infamy than in a Dominant who satisfied their own kink.

Yes.  I truly believe that what we have been seeing over the last few weeks has been a cumulative Safe Space violation against Tiger Woods by what now totals 14 consensual partners, in collusion with an eager media and a scandal hungry public.

Take a moment to sort that out in your own minds and I’ll explain how I arrived at this position on the matter of the outing of Mr. Woods.

From all accounts Mr. Woods enjoys the company of a relatively specific physical type of woman.  All of them, in varying degrees, bear some manner of resemblance to the soon to be Ex- Mrs. Woods.  The fetish of dominating and controlling fair, Anglo/Euro (read that “slave owner”) female submissives is not a terribly  uncommon one for a black male Dominant.  Nor is the fetish of being owned, dominated and controled by a strong, Dominant black man terribly uncommon for Anglo/Euro female submissives, especially if he is articulate, intelligent, educated, and successful in some manner.

It is not difficult to find the reverse of this dynamic, either.  Strong black Dominant women with fair, Anglo/Euro sissies, cucks, and CDs are very common in the Lifestyle, even if one does not encounter such couples or households at public events.  Many Mistresses and other female Dominants tend to practice the Lifestyle privately from within the relative safety of their own homes.

This fetish has been portrayed in books, magazines, and movies for decades.  Consider it Reparations via BDSM if that makes it sound a little more PC and less offensive to the more sensitive among you. 

Also, from all accounts Mr. Woods enjoys consensual sexual contact of a nature we may have called “Rough Sex” during that time when we had not yet found our own place in the Lifestyle.  A sharp, well placed slap across the bottom of a bottom as you sate yourself within it is, well, a wonderful thing so I’m told.  Not personally possessing the necessary anatomy for making that call, I will have to trust the information given by those who do. 

The problem is, what I call a little consensual Sensual Sadism, a simple kinkster may tell CNN is Rough Sex.  And CNN, in spite of it’s worldly, informed and progressive PR, does not have a clue about the difference, nor would they be able to intelligently discuss it if they did.  Just imagine the late night, round-table discussion with various prominant and outed BDSM and Leather types, complete with a Brady-bunch type grouping of Tiger’s harem on a huge plasma screen behind them, nodding or shaking their various attractive heads as appropriate.  Poor old Larry King would finally burst that last vessel right there. 

Add to this the apparent harem building tendency of Mr. Woods as he Dominated his way through this rather homogeneous selection of kinky, Anglo/European, submissive women.  Harem building once was a very common part of an Old Guard Het BDSM household, especially when this household was active as a training ground for new submissives as well as Dominants who trained to earn the right to be called “Master.” 

Harem building is also an essential need for those Masters (and I use the term Master to signify a top level Dominant, real or imagined, regardless of gender identity) who stay at home and live on a portion of the combined incomes of the submissives of household.  It is, of course, ridiculous to imagine that Mr. Woods practiced that style of BDSM.  It’s much more likely that his harem building activities had more to do with geography and with variety than with anything else.

Based on we know through media reports over the last few weeks, it’s abundantly clear to me that Mr. Woods is at one level or another a practicing BDSM male Dominant.  Now whether he has gone the extra mile into Lifestyle as opposed to merely being a kinkster is something only he, whomever is mentoring him, and perhaps some portion of his Barbie-Harem truly knows.

Protecting Safe Space

In the Lifestyle community there is a Safe Space Policy which is subscribed to by most of the social groups, organizations and their members, as well as many of the non-affiliated individuals who make up the greater community.  Briefly, what this policy consists of is an agreement by members of the community to preserve the overall safety of the community.  It does this by preserving the safety, the privacy and the confidentiality of individuals within the community from outsiders and from others within the community. 

When you break it down into its basics, it is the No Violence, No Gossip, No White-Wash and No Outing clauses of the Greater Social Contract to which everybody not suffering from certain psychological illnesses subscribe.  We all learned the juvenile vanilla version of it sometime between kindergarten and third grade, depending on the When and the Where of our elementary education.

Respected individuals have been removed from long-held positions of leadership for violations of the Safe Space Policy, both perceived and actual.  Once powerful individuals have been banned from participating in the meetings, munches, and sponsored events of organizations because of non-adherence to the current flavor of Safe Space Policy.  Some individuals have even been stripped of the vestments, badges or costumes which symbolized their positions within subcultures of the greater community.

Safe Space Policies are important and vital to maintaining a safe BDSM community, but when you go out in search of the policy for a given city or organization it can be virtually impossible to locate.  You will find a broken-down, beefed-up, overly specific, non-specific, intentionally or unintentionally vague, arbitrary, ambiguous version of an organization’s policy in the rules and waiver that they use at public or private events or parties.  But to actually put your hands on a document or a file that contains something that is actually called or really is a Safe Space Policy is something most people just cannot do.

So now, in the interest of safety and some modicum of consistency for persons in the Lifestyle Community, I now give to you my proposed Universal BDSM Safe Space Commandments.

1. Thou shalt not violate the personal privacy of another.
2. Thou shalt not violate the personal space of another.
3. Thou shalt not violate the relationships of another.
4. Thou shalt not violate the property or of another.
5. Thou shalt not violate the integrity or honor of another.
6. Thou shalt not violate or endanger the legitimate livelyhood of another
7. Thou shalt not misrepresent your intentions during discussions or while in negotiations with another, either directly or indirectly.
8. Thou shalt not knowingly or willingly participate in the violation of another.
9. Thou shalt not withhold verified, first hand information about any violation from those who may have been endangered or injured by that violation, or from any community body which serves as leaders and acts to protect the community.
10. Thou shalt not use rank, power, or position within a household, subculture, organization or community to exert any manner of undue pressure or influence for personal benefit of any kind.
11. Thou shalt not intentionally cause any unlawful injury to another, be it physical, emotional or psychological, financial, or social.
12. Thou shalt label a person ”dangerous” and deny this person access to the community when it is shown that he or she knowingly, willingly or repeatedly violates Safe Space.
13. Thou shalt not protect, endorse or promote to others any person who knowingly, willingly or repeatedly violates Safe Space.
14. Thou shalt honor and obey the specific rules of the hosting individual, group, business or organization when attending any meeting, party or sponsored event except when to do so is in violation of the other commandments.

Yes, there most certainly could be more.  There can always be more.  Just look at the current legal code in any location and you can see just how much organizations love “More” when it comes to setting down rules.  But are they really necessary if every individual, household, subculture, organization and community agree to honestly follow the fewer, simpler rules?

Mistress Lila

…Begins at Home?

A great deal has been said over the last few years about the importance and the necessity of a record of providing community service is for individuals who aspire to achieve one or another badge of status, either within a particular social group or within the community at large. 

 Contestants in the various lifestyle competitions must declare a charity or service opportunity that they will support over the course of their reign.  Candidates for group officer positions with the more democratically operated groups will often do the same or will place their past or ongoing community service on their pre-election resumes.  Larger groups will dedicate the proceeds of local events to one cause or another.  Even small groups will hold bingo night or craft fairs to garner funds for their favorite local cause.

 But what exactly is community service within the Lifestyle community?  What should it be?  More important, what can it be?

 All too often I see very real needs within the Lifestyle community that are left unaddressed while more popular charities benefit from both hours of service and given dollars.  Families in crisis struggle along silently with no assistance, but canned good drives provide cases of food for large, relatively well-funded food banks.  Submissive or slave males find themselves trapped in abusive situations, not only with violent Dominants but also with violent spouses, yet only shelters for female victims of domestic violence are supported.   

A great deal of lip service is given to the concept of community service, but when one takes a brutal, unblinking look directly into the immediate community, very little actual service is actually provided that directly  benefits the members of our immediate Lifestyle community.  It is almost as though providing necessary services to individual or families within our own community is somehow less honorable, less charitable than tossing time, talent and cash in the direction of broader based, well established charities.

Little could be further from the truth. 

Great is the community service provided by the girl who answers the late-night safecalls of her friend or acquaintance because it is the right thing to do. 

Great is the charity given by the Dominant who comforts a broken-hearted boy who grieves alone and needs the warmth of another human being, even if it is through the telephone.

Great is the community that goes through its mutual pantries and freezers and drops a box of much-needed food at the doorstep of a discarded slave.

Great is the giving that makes sure a Master’s beat up old car has fresh oil, air in the tires, and enough miles left in it to get him through a difficult period in his life.

It’s time we, as a Lifestyle community begin to look at ourselves and each other more as family and less as livestock with no higher purpose than to be consumed by the kinks, fetishes, or dark needs of others. 

And family takes care of itself before others.  If we cannot take care of ourselves and our own, how can we take care of others?

Making the Good Search

I am certain that there is one common experience that many of you who operate or are a member of a Lifestyle group, who are highly visible within a community, or who are very open and out to the vanilla community have probably encountered when attempting to make some manner of charitable contribution:  charities are almost afraid to accept your contributions.

One can hardly blame some of them for being a bit skittish about taking money from any group with the sort of rap sheet that ours has accumulated over the years.  We have been tied, pardon the pun, to all manner of “Darwin Award” winning, imbecilic, ill-conceived, poorly planned, non-concensual, ultra-violent, certifiably insane and completely unlawful acts of mayhem, murder, abject stupidity over the years, tarred by the same brush as the morons who think you can do electrical play with the stripped ends of an extension cord and a 110 volt outlet, or the idiots who leave submissives tied up in bondage scenes to go shopping or take a nap.

One can also hardly blame a charity for not wanting to accept contributions or donations of goods from any group who might inadvertently cause all of their other contributions to dry up because Good People™ choose not to give to anyone who accepts contributions or donations from perverted and depraved Women and the men they torture.

What is a socially conscious, altruistic, and basic all-around charitable  FemDom or Mistress or Goddess to do?

Look at my sidebar over on the right.  You will find two ways for giving back to the community which are anonymous and relatively easy to use.

Near the top of this sidebar is a brightly colored display which, when clicked, registers a contribution to a charity which is working to ban all whaling, including so-called Scientific Whaling if the result is lethal to the whale.  The click you make goes to protect not only the larger whales, but also the smaller whales and other cetaceans like the many species of dolphins.  Click that every time you see it, and make my collared submissive very, very happy.  And when he’s happy, he makes me happy as well.

Now look in the links listed in the same sidebar below the whale charity.  You should see one there called Good Search.  Good Search is an alternative search engine which will make a contribution to the charity you pick from their huge list every time you use Good Search to find what you want online.

Personally, I selected the American Porphyria Foundation as my charity when I make an online search.  In the past I have also selected Best Friends, the last-hope animal shelter in Utah that is featured in the National Geographic channel show, “Dogtown.”  You can peruse the list of accepting charities, select the one that touches you, and designate it as your default if you so desire.  You can pick a new one every time if you and your household are the sort who prefer to spread the wealth, even when only pennies are involved. 

Just don’t forget that pennies add up, and they add up fast when enough people send them with a click of the mouse.

I will tell you upfront that Good Search, even with the best of intentions, is not the best of search engines.  You will find basic things, but the obscure references will be much more difficult to find than perhaps on Google or that Bing monstrosity.  Use Good Search for the simple things and you’ll still make an impact.

Do what you can, even if you do it from the shadows, and you will make a difference that perhaps you could not make any other way.

Mistress Lila

Honor Among Thieves

Let us for a moment traverse through the years to a time when each of us was confined to that penal institution affectionately known as High School. Many adults of middle age like to believe that it was a kinder and simpler time in their lives, a time of growth and newness, a time of deep and abiding friendships, a time of mutual care and respect.

I will argue and further assert that these individuals are either pharmaceutically delusional or grew up a marginally overlapping parallel universe also populated with unicorns, teddy bears, and re-runs of “The Doris Day Show.”

Luckily, the fringes of that hazy, warm and dreamy universe did not touch the adolescent experiences of most of the current baby-boomer population in spite of popular fiction of the time and such intellectual media offerings as “Here Come the Brides” and “A Family Affair.” For the vast majority of persons who came of age during the early and mid 1970s, things were decidedly more “real” and a touch more relevant than this kinder, gentler, and strangely idealistic parallel.

No, in the real world of most pentagenarians and beyond, things were a bit grittier, a bit tougher, and perhaps even a bit more ethical. We learned that it was better to be a bit notorious than to be “popular” as a little notoriety could protect you. Popularity made you a target, not of the general population of whichever bastion of education imprisoned you, but of the other persons who shared the Clique of Popularity.

Where the notorious tended to respect each other, the popular preyed on them and particularly on each other. Where the common, run of the mill outsider, rocker, druggie, band geek, fat chick, Satan worshiper, Jesus freak, science nerd, invisible ghost or renegade poet would never imagine infringing upon the person, property or space of another common, run of the mill outsider, rocker, druggie, band geek, fat chick, Satan worshiper, Jesus freak, science nerd, invisible ghost or renegade poet, nothing was beyond a member of the Clique of Popularity (or the earnest toady of an individual in said clique).

They would eagerly exercise the perceived Power of the Popular™ by participating in such exciting activities as character assassination or the theft of everything from notebooks to relationships. And no relationship was too trivial or too special to put it out of reach of the Clique. In fact, those were the very best ones with which to toy. It was a two-fer! It made a powerful statement! And it was brutal Fun!

Ah, the joys of being in just the right clique during those beautiful, formative, alternative universe years.

But then, in the harsh glare of the real universe, where life can be difficult and the rewards tended to go to those who actually have worked for them, the religion of the Great and Almighty Clique was shown to be the worship of the false god of narcissism, practiced only by the emotionally insecure and unstable as a means of indulging their belief in the sacraments of the self-important.

The rest of us got jobs, worked hard, occasionally built lasting relationships, and yet in spite of doing all of the right things, we found ourselves once again as outsiders, the givers or receivers of pain, the tormentors and the tormented, the dark and mysterious alternative to bright, sweet vanilla. It was very difficult for some of us at first, as we travelled our paths very much alone, marked with the stigmata of the cane or carrying the stigmas of Bastard and Bitch.

Slowly, ever so slowly, we began to find one another. Small groups began to organize. Households were established. Clans took form and grew. Knowledge was passed from one to the next, and hierarchies developed based on household, clan, social group, even extended families based largely on traditional families. And within these families, groups, clans and households people were accountable for their actions. In some communities, individuals were held accountable by the community itself.

Truth, Respect, and Honor were cornerstones. Ethics drove the relationships between individuals regardless of their end of the crop. Collars were earned, sometimes over many months, and they respected even when the parties to the collar were merely at the proposal and discussion stages. Honorable Dominants and submissives did not dishonor others by hunting on another’s territory. Honorable Dominants did not dishonor a submissive by broadcasting his or her shortcomings or problems to another Dominant unless he or she were potentially dangerous to that Dominant or to the community. The same would be said about broadcasting the shortcomings of another Dominant. Either situation was a violation of what locally is called a policy of Safe Space. In real terms it is a breach of privacy and a breach of confidentiality.

Respected Dominants simply did not disrespect one another, and all Dominants were considered worthy of respect until they proved themselves unworthy by their own deeds. It was the same with submissives, who were respected for who they were as individuals and for whose collar they wore, and for their training and skills as a submissive.

Individuals strove to be the best at the necessary skills, and were then willing to train others to share that skill to the highest level they could achieve. Dominants encouraged and mentored other Dominants. Submissives trained and mentored other submissives. Masters offered the opportunity to both Dominants or Tops and submissives or bottoms to be trained in the skills necessary for the successful running of a household which was in turn a successful part of a local community.

So…

What happened? What happened to Honor between Dominants? What happened to ethical behavior? At what point did respect come with a price tag? And when did the relationships between so many of the households and clans and social groups and extended families become dependent on political gain, and on who one knows over what one knows?

I don’t blame this mercenary mindset on the favorite boogyman of late, the Internet. I do blame the internet for the influx of kinksters, swingers, tops and bottoms who use this potentially beautiful Lifestyle as a means to an end, but I do not blame the Internet for the demise of ethics and the loss of honor, respect and trust between individuals and within Lifestyle communities. I blame the politics of personal gain, the power of the Clique, and easily influenced individuals who are all too willing to hand their loyalty over to a small and undeserving core of so-called Leaders because it is the popular thing to do, and because of the potential for personal gain simply by association.

I blame it on a lack of true leadership within the community. I blame this lack of leadership on the apparent inability or unwillingness of qualified individuals to step forward and actually lead. And I blame this lack of leadership on the apparent lack of commitment within the smaller groups which make up the greater community.

As the Head Mistress of an organized group, it is my responsibility to involve this group as much as possible in the growth and development of the members of the local community. Further, it is the responsibility of other group leaders, heads of households, clan leaders and patrons/matrons of extended families to do the same by involving their members, providing adequate training all within their sphere of responsibility, and refusing to be invested in the politics of personal gain and the power of the Clique.